Life is made in moments that that your breath away

We laughed
Until we had to cry
And we loved
Right down to our last goodbye
We were the best
I think we'll ever be
Just you and me
For just a moment

Time goes on
People touch and then they're gone
And you and I
Will never love again
Like we did then

Someday, when we both reminisce
We'll both say
There wasn't too much we missed
And through the tears
We'll smile when we recall
We had it all
For just a moment

Jack & Grief

Recently, after President Hinckley died, Jack started to think about his great-grandparents. As Jack was laying in bed tonight, he wondered how old Great-grandpa Ira is. When I told him Ira is now 88 years old, Jack was thrilled because it meant that Ira has 12 years left to live.

I'm not sure where Jack got the idea that people "get" 100 years to live, but he believes it in his heart. We had a long discussion about how long people "get" in their lives, and that Uncle Dave only got 24, and President Hinckley only got 97. I also told him that grandpa's lungs aren't healthy and that they hurt all the time and that grandpa probably won't get 12 more years.

Jack's sensitive soul is sore tonight. I remember when I realized that people died, and Jack has been dealing with death for almost 3 years. He is now worrying that we won't get to see Ira this summer, and he cried because Vivian will be so lonely without Ira. His sweetness touches me.

Being a parent is so up and down. Earlier today, I was feeling very Joan Crawford. There are many days I feel like wicked-no-wire-hangers-Crawford when my goal in life is to be more like Princess Diana, arms wide-open-on-the-boat type mom. I figure if I have only 3 hours a day, I should always be wide-open. Unfortunately, I'm just me. I hope it's enough.

These discussions with my children, Xandri reminding Jack that someday I am going to die and he'll have to wait to see me, remind me that I'm all that my kids have in the mom department. It reminds me that I need to remember that---there's no back-up mom for these kids. I guess I need to get the poster of Diana, just to remind myself what I'm all about...

Ash Wednesday--Seek & Ye Shall Find

It's Ash Wednesday today. Lent started this morning. Christ Evangelical Church (where my friend Tracy is the church secretary) is doing 40 days of prayer that correspond to Lent, and they sent this as their "thought of the day"---it goes along well with what I've been thinking/doing with my patriarchal blessing:

FEBRUARY 6
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me if you seek Me with all your heart."Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NIV translation)

The King James Translation
11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
12 Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you.
13 And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your cheart.

"I'll seek the Lord early while in my youth, and He will help me to know the truth. I'll search the scriptures and find Him there, then go to my Father in fervent prayer. I'll seek the Lord early and I'll obey His living prophets and all they say. I'll keep His commandments; His love will abound; I will seek the Lord early and He shall be found."

NICU Tribute

Before I was a NICU- mom, I had thought birth was a natural event.

I couldn’t have imagined a full perinatalogy team all yellow-suited working to make my child breathe, how quickly one group of people could work together, or how quiet moments after birth could be. I had no idea that silence after delivery was deafening, frightening, and eerie. I didn’t know I would hold my own breath until my child took his.

Before I was a NICU-mom, I’d never suited up to enter a sterile center

I didn’t measure time in nursing rotations.

I didn’t admire neonatalogists, NICU-nurses, and grief therapists

I didn’t know that each hospital had a patient coordinator.

Before I was a NICU-mom, I didn’t know machines could be both beautiful and terrifying; that positive air pressure was a blessing, gavage feeding gentle, and kangaroo care healing.

Before I was a NICU-mom, I measured child development in weeks and months instead of hours and days. I didn’t worry that my child wouldn’t meet milestones; I simply waited for them. I had never worried that I would hear the word "blindness" or "cerebral palsy." I had no idea what it was like to wait to see how seriously my child would be impaired.

Before I was a NICU-mom, I thought that premature babies were simply tiny fighters, not a fragile future. I’d never measured time in the hospital as negative development time. I’d never feared a doctor’s visit, what he would say, or wondered if I’d ever take my baby home.

Before I was a NICU-mom, I didn’t know I’d need permission to touch, hold, feed, change, sing, and care for my own child. I didn’t realize that I could and would be denied simple actions performed by a qualified staff so that I wouldn’t injure my tiny baby. I didn’t know that bandages remove baby skin; IV’s have to be flushed and are painful; light has to be blocked but round-the-clock staff must still see; schedules are all-important, and each event recorded. Nothing is too small to note when your baby is in the NICU. It all matters.

Before I was a NICU-mom, I didn’t realize there was an entire level of medicine developed to provide for me and mine that I didn’t even know I’d ever need, or know that everyone there would want what I want for my baby.

Before I was a NICU-mom, I measured time in minutes, days, weeks, years; now I measure them in seconds, hours, days, weeks—each more precious than the last. I’ve learned to seize and savor those moments, because I was a NICU-mom.

Jillian Phippen

God Be With You Till We Meet Again

I have been especially touched by the line in my patriarchal blessing that says I need to follow the prophets because I've always simply considered the LIVING prophet. It reminds me that line upon line includes the important messages of the past: plant a garden, every member a missionary, be a worthy, temple attending people, have a year's supply.

I think what I will remember about President Hinckley is that he made me realize that even prophets strive to "stand a little taller" and that even those whom we consider perfect aren't and are consistently working every day to "get up and go to work." When people ask me HOW I do all that I do every day, I always reply, "I get out of bed"--and go and do the work.

My personal motto in life is from my favorite scripture "...that they separated themselves and departed one from another, trusting in the Lord that they should meet again at the close of their harvest; for they supposed that great was the work which they had undertaken."

Every day as I leave my husband, my little kids, my house, end a phone call with my grandparents, I have to hope that we will all meet again at the close of our harvest---when ever that close comes---and that when we meet again, we'll be thrilled to find that we are all "still bretheren in the Lord" and that what I have devoted my life to was a great work, and that my children will know it's a great work.

What I've been inspired to do since the prophet died is to learn for myself what it means to "go forth with faith" knowing that God has a plan for me, and that as I do my best to "stand a little taller" I can be all that He planned for me, that I can fulfill the measure of my creation so that at the end of my harvest, He'll say "Well done" and I can wait for the rest of my loved ones knowing that the work they do here on earth is what they suppose to be great.

President Hinckley was MY prophet---the first prophet I have had a real, true testimony where I knew HE was the right man for the right job, that God had led and guided to lead his church. Now, I will have to find that same testimony about President Monson, and I find that hard and scary, but I will find it because I learned from President Hinckley that "God is at the helm." Time after time he told us that, and I believe him.

I've been struck, over and over again, by how often "God Be With You 'Till We Meet Again" was played; for me, that reflects my hopes and dreams for my family, that we'll be together, encircled about by the angels of heaven; there are those on the other side who are waiting for us to close our missions so we can be together again, too, and when time is endless and forever, we will have all of that to truly be together, to grow, to share, to know. I guess I have never had a stronger testimony of the eternities as I do now, and that is a true blessing from the Lord.

Xanadu's Birthday Party

Well, her party was a BUST. Not one person from the Phippen family came, and only Grandma Max & Grandpa Bill came from the Preston side! Grandma Max brought a Costco sheet cake that said "Happy Birthday Xanadu" (done in a Valentine's day pattern Xandri picked) and we added the 6 princess PVC characters that Xanna loves.

To have help eating the cake, we invited the neighbors over. Jason Bird, my longest neighbor and daycare "Aunt" Jackie's husband, brought 2 of his kids, and my best friend RaeLyn and our favorite babysitter Kallie came to help eat cake. Then we sent lots and lots of cake home with them!

Xandri got lots of clothes, Dora Mermaid paraphenalia, some replacement Disney Polly Pocket dolls, and she wore a crown and costume to the party. I'll get some pictures postetd soon.

If you get a chance, wish her a happy birthday! She was thrilled to hear from Great-grandma JJ and Great-grandma Viv and Great-grandpa Ira. Those were wonderful phone calls for her. She's blessed to be a favored grand-daughter... No one can help loving our Xanadu!

Come to Xan-Diva's Par-tay...

When she was born, she had a perma-frown,
Now our princess wears a perma-crown.
Sometimes we think she's all sweetness and splenda
And others, a bossy, song-singing Xan-Diva.
At 2, she called herself "Popper Thippen,"
But now she's usually just Xandri Phippen.
This year is her big one, for now there'll be school
With kindergarten and piano lessons now on her schedule

Please join us next Saturday, sometime after six-ish
We'll sing and have cake with ice cream in "Tink" dishes
Come dressed as your favorite princess or as Tinker Bell,

Or come just to chat and to wish Xandri well.

PARTY:
Saturday
February 2
6:30pm

C-Tiara-Rings

Remember this princess?

And this one?

When she went to church the first Sunday of the year, Sister Hamm was giving a lesson about tiaras, she was sure. She promised she wanted to wear her tiara ring ALL the time. "CTiara Ring." Delightful! Jack, of course, set her straight. It's a CTR ring, silly. CTR.

She likes tiara better, but she now calls it a CTR ring...

Mr. King, I Share Your Dream

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, and every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight; "and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together."

Martin Luther King, Jr.

My Darling Children...

My kids really are darling.

Max is cute. He's rolling over, smiling, and he coos a bit. He is really, really quiet. He looks JUST like my dad. It's funny.

Xandri is every inch me all over again. She's a diva. She loves jewelry, make-up, perfume, costumes, shoes, etc. She tells the most outrageous lies, and she is bossy-as-hell.
Asa is John's side of the family. He's so, so sweet, and tenderhearted, and he has the gentlest spirit. He's also very mechanical and loves Legos and building things. He's so soft and gentle with Max. He's as tame as Xandri is wild. They play well together.
Jack's my little old man. He frets and worries about everything. He's always so serious, so conscientious, and so driven. He's nervous about starting piano lessons and wants lessons so he can impress his teacher. Lessons before the lessons. Poor kid.
Time runs away so fast! Why can't kids stay kids just a bit longer? My baby is growing so fast, and my oldest is joining the iPod crowd. I can't believe how quickly the days fly by.

Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing and butter the bread,
Sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.
Oh, I've grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(lullaby, rock-a-bye, Lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(pat-a-cake, darling, and peek-peek-a-boo).
The shopping is not done and there's nothing for stew
And out in the yard there is a hullabaloo.
But I'm playing "Kanga" and this is my "Roo."
Look! Aren't his eyes the most wonderful hue?
(lullaby, rock-a-bye, lullaby loo).

The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
For children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

Ruth Hulburt Hamilton, 1958

Max is 3 months old...

Time really flies! Max laughs out loud every day or so, and it's delightful, so that's the fun of a baby. Remembering to laugh out loud!

Max is also rolling over, unreliably, from front to back, and he can find both of his hands and shove either one in his mouth. He loves those hands! He's liking people, and he has a really fun light-it-up grin. Most of his grins are reserved for morning time. He is happier in the ams.

Max is now 13 pounds, almost 23 inches long, and his hair is getting blonder and his eyes lighter blue. Jack calls them "misty" blue. It'll be interesting to see if he gets Grandpa Bill's or Grandpa Phippen's blue eyes.

Max likes to be on his belly because he's full of the toots and grunts. He does get a really upset belly. I dunno what mama's is eating that's bothering poor Max, but there you have it.

Congratulate Max, he's 3 whole months old!

A Max Update

Went to the pediatrician today. The pediatrician checked everything. It was a really long exam, and he's the spouse of my sister's best friend, so he gave up his lunch to see us. He says Max is mostly normal for a child his adjusted age (read for 7 weeks old). Max IS behind (between 3-5 weeks, even adjusted). But, it's measurable, and in one area only. He doesn't SAY much, but he's doing well in other areas. He is vocally behind, but gross-motor skills are ahead.

He holds his head oddly because it's shaped really ROUND. It's a birth "defect" that will look really good when he goes bald like all the other men in my family. It's not a "defect" exactly, but it doesn't allow him to sleep comfortable flat on his back, so he arches. This causes him to slump a bit when being held, which also freaked us out. That it's just a round issue is SO RELIEVING. I'm supposed to get Max a gel-filled donut to sleep on so he can actually sleep with his head on his back or else the sides of his head will get flatish (probably more flat on one side than on the other.) Max is doing well with muscle tone!! This is huge, and is a great factor meaning probably NOT cerebral palsy.

Max gave me a REAL smile today---whole face lit up, and he has a dimple we didn't know about!! He also has a funny half-grin that really freaked me out when I thought he had cerebral palsy (Thought it was evidence of a stroke at birth) but the pediatrician says it's "just cute" and that if he can move his whole face (and he can) he didn't have a stroke. They checked his reflexes--legs a bit weak, but they have slower growth and come later in development--not supposed to worry too much yet. He gave the doctor a HUGE smile. It was great. Max found himself in the mirror (didn't know it was himself, but he saw the baby and was very interested). Max could not have performed better for him, and the news was very, very good.

Anyway, it doesn't mean he won't have some damage (he's still 3-ish weeks behind vocally), but it does mean he's moving closer to normal, and he can SEE!!! And he doesn't seem to have motor damage. I am so, so grateful. We'll have to wait and see on the neurological damage, but OMG, I am relieved. I have been feeling guilty because I wanted this baby so bad, and then I had every problem under the sun, spent hideous amounts of time in hospital, and on meds, etc. I was feeling like my selfishness was going to be his burden. At least I know he will be mostly normal. I also do know I can't do anything about being so selfish and that guilt doesn't help---but I do feel it!!.Chances are still good that he's got a few problems---but we can mark off cerebral palsy, and there are no signs of stroke (which was another concern. Preemies often have brain bleeds or strokes, and we saw a couple of potential signals for that. The pediatrician said the signs we saw could just be misfirings from immature nerves. Thank God for that, too.)

To top off Max's amazing day, he ROLLED OVER front to back. He performed such feat with 3 witnesses, Dad, Mama, and Xandri. He also thought it was great fun to flip himself over. I guess it's his time to shine. Thank Heavens! Thanks for all the prayers!

A Frank & Michael Christmas

Each year, my darling friends Frank & Michael send me their CD Christmas Celebration. In fact, John and I look forward to the CD much like our children look forward to St. Nick. This year, we were sure THIS would be the day... and when the CD finally came, we spent the evening (which was date night, btw) listening to the CD.

Now, I'm not sure how Michael and Frank pick the songs on the CD. Quite honestly, I think they look through their Christmas CD's and think, "Which songs would be the most obnoxious to our family and friends?" John and I laughed and laughed over "The Cat Carol." John hummed it all the way through the store we went into.

Michael put on Sarah McLaughlan's gorgeous "What Child is This" and we laughed over Michael's commentary about Kurt Bestor's music. He says that Bestor's music is "on Prozac." How profoundly true.

We're so lucky to be on Michael & Frank's mailing list. Their commentary on the CD is exactly like being at dinner with them: we're together sharing their voices and humor. What a wonderful gift. It always reminds me of how much I miss them, and how much I value their friendship. It's a friendship that's lasted 20 years. I can't express how much that means to me, how much they mean to me. It is the same for all the friendships I share. You, my friends, are the true gift that I celebrate this season. My friends give me the joy of the season. I send cards to connect with you, and to remember the love I have for you.

Merry Christmas, all. Thanks to my Michael & his Frank for reminding me, every year, of the joy you bring me.

Gingerbread Fiasco...

Gingerbread night has traditionally been the kids FAVORITE activity, so this year to step it up, I ordered a HUGE foam gingerbread house from Oriental Trading Company. So, no real gingerbread, no real candy. DUH, mama. That didn't go over well. Anyway, the pieces from my foam-from-China-kit did not STICK. Mama didn't anticipate that. The kids really enjoyed THE BOX the thing came in. Hahahaha. Kids. So, back to lots of candy, royal icing, and real gingerbread next year. What was I *thinking*??

They also decorated my tree. OH MY GOODNESS. John says to take deep breaths and remember I can decorate a gorgeous tree when my children are grown. ACK. It took serious will power to not remove all that the kids had put up and start again. I am going to buy another tree---hopefully I can find one on sale after Christmas. I really, really want a shiny tin-foil looking tree---one to put pink and aqua lights on and decorate with all the cute home-made ornaments from my kids and with my pink flamingo ornaments. It will be a tree to remind me to not take it too SERIOUSLY. I have been planning for these activities for MONTHS, and then when they actually happen... it's a bit anticlimactic, and definitely NOT the fun I expected. The kids are having fun, and that's what I need to remember.

How can it be FUN to fight that much? No, I ask you seriously.

Thankful

I bought the new Josh Groban CD, entitled Noel, and it has the lovely song "Thankful" on it. It encapsulates how I feel this Thanksgiving:
Somedays, we forget to look around us,
Somedays, we can't see the joy that surrounds us,
So caught up inside ourselves,
We take when we should give.
So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be.
And on this day we hope for
What we still can't see.
It's up to us to be the change.
And even though we all can still do more,
There's so much to be thankful for.

What a wonderful time of the year! I'll post more as we get our house decorated. Tonight's Gingerbread House night! "Deck the Halls" and fa-la-la-la-lah....

More Max

For those of you still looking, here's more photos of Max.

Photos of Max

Jen said I had to update my blog. Here's the boys with the boy. Daddy loves Max and Jack thinks Max is awesome. Max eats all the time, and Mama never sleeps. There. That's the update.

No School for YOU

I delivered a check and some papers I'd graded to the school on Wednesday, and the school secretary told me that if I was on school property again during my maternity leave, I would forfeit my maternity leave entirely! I was shocked, as it's very obvious I can't work---I can't hardly WALK and my shoes don't go on my feet are so swollen!

I delayed as long as I could before I went in for my NST today--and my blood pressure was 170/105, so I had to stay several hours and do several irritating tests. I also have to go back to the hospital to repeat the tests tomorrow. I sure hope everything goes really well because I don't want to spend another weekend in the hospital. That's not my idea of "fun." Plus, I'll be there on Tuesday for the amnio, Wednesday for the delivery, Thursday for the tubal ligation, so... I hope I am home on Friday next week, too!

We're getting SO close, and the kids are excited. I'm excited for it to just be DONE. It'll be nice to be home as a family together and not have to constantly worry about my blood pressure, etc. That will be heaven.

The Final Countdown

Well, after a LONG weekend at the AF Hospital, they finally sprang me from the joint! I took in over 20 bags of IV fluid, and they said I'd had a wicked, nasty virus (but not cryptosporidium again!!)

We're on schedule to deliver on 10/10/07, but next Tuesday we go for an amnio just to make sure Max's lungs are developed. We're definitely in the final countdown. Jack and Xan are counting down the days, and I guess I am, too. I'll be glad not to be on bedrest anymore, and I'll be glad to have had Max safely. I am not looking forward to being in the hospital another second, but I'll put up with it to be done, done, done!

We should be home with Max by Friday, 10/12/07, or 10/13 at the latest, and I know I'm VERY excited about that!!